“But, can you ever really love someone else with all your heart before you fall in love with yourself, your life, first?”
From the Publisher: “For Emma Cantor, life is feeling fresh as she starts her new job in Pittsburgh. When the news of a pandemic arrives and the world is thrown into chaos, she finds herself turning inwards to find what her true passions and needs are. With the globe on pause, Emma revives her love of singing and songwriting, yet when a sudden need to find a romantic partner prevails, she finds herself thrust into a dating world that exposes her self-doubt and insecurities.
Nicole Spindler’s The Reason Why is a heartfelt story of love, cultivating meaningful, lasting relationships, and learning to accept you as you are. Though Emma may not know it, she is growing every day. Each new experience is but one more precious drop in a sea of colorful day-to-days on one’s authentic journey toward unconditional love for the beauty—and even flaws, traumas, past, and present—that make up who we are…”
More info About the Author: “Nicole Spindler is a writer, a talent management specialist, a public speaker, and a lover of all things Pittsburgh (her hometown). She graduated from John Carroll University, specializing in human resources and management with a minor in Spanish language and culture. She published her first book, a memoir titled Beyond Life’s Moments, in December 2020 and her fiction novel, The Reason Why, in May 2022. Her aspiration is to inspire others to shine light on life’s challenging chapters through her storytelling.
Besides pursuing her passions, Nicole loves spending time with family, friends, exploring Pittsburgh, traveling, staying active, mentoring fellow authors as they write their first books, and scouring the local bookstores for more books to read with a cup of coffee or tea in hand.”
Author Site
Chapter One
Wondering Wander
“Next stop, Station Square.”
The T-train emerged from a dimly lit tunnel and turned a sharp bend to be greeted by brilliant sunshine glistening off the frosted windows. West Carson Street running parallel to the Monongahela River was bustling with the rush hour commute to work commencing.
As the train pulled into the crowded station, the sun’s rays created a picturesque view of the Pittsburgh skyline: the light shining on the river, the golden bridges, and a blend of modern and retro-styled glass skyscraper buildings looked like diamonds. Almost all the train passengers were either glued to their phones or dosing off occasionally to secure a few extra moments of sleep before their eight-hour workday, missing out on this spectacular view.
Except for Emma Cantor.
She was soaking in every droplet of the view and her morning train ride, sealing the moments and details of her first day at her new corporate job into her memory. The uncomfortable cold, metal seats with sixties-looking blue triangle-designed carpeted fabric, someone snoring three rows behind her, and two younger women gossiping loudly couldn’t distract Emma from keeping her gaze locked on the hometown that she loved. It wasn’t until she felt a slight nudge of an elbow on her right side that her mind was brought out of a dreamy state. Her mother was readjusting her satchel on her shoulder, clutching her ID badge as she spoke to Emma in a reassuring tone.
“Remember, be sure to text me throughout the day so I know how everything’s going. I cannot wait to hear all about it later!”
“I’ll try,” Emma replied automatically, unwilling to let any nerves about her first day kick in and pull her away from the view. “I might not reply right away with all the meet-and greets and trainings I have.”
The faintest vibration of a received text message pulsed through her tote bag, but she didn’t have a chance to glance at who it was from as her mother continued.
“Of course, but this is a huge opportunity for you! You’ve been dreaming of something like this since you had your first business course, and now the door’s finally open.”
Emma nodded with a slight roll of her eyes, turning her head back to the skyline in the morning glow as the train crossed over the Panhandle Bridge approaching the next station; overhead came the announcement, “Next Stop: First Avenue.”
“I know you have a little over an hour before you meet your manager, but please don’t go wandering off aimlessly downtown. Go get a coffee and sit in the lobby of your office until then.”
Before Emma could provide a counter-suggestion, the train came to a stop, and her mother had to part the Red Sea to reach the train’s exit. As her mother crossed the threshold of the train’s doors, she took one quick glance at Emma, mouthing the words, “I love you,” before getting swept away in the crowd of working professionals going down the escalators to reach the street level of First Avenue. The moment her mom was out of view, Emma rummaged through her tote bag to retrieve her phone, viewing the recent text message.
Still down to meet at Rock ‘n’ Joe at 7:45 a.m.? Want to see you before your first day 🙂
Emma replied before losing service momentarily when the train entered an underground tunnel.
Absolutely, almost there!
With nothing impressive to admire, Emma people-watched as a swarm of passengers crammed onboard. Once the train started moving again, her view of the skyline was replaced by her slightly blurred reflection with a backdrop of the cold concrete of the transit tunnel. Her reflection was clear enough to make out a few tousled or frizzy pieces of her hair that she needed to tame prior to her meeting. Her minimal makeup gave her an effortless, flawless appearance while covering up her freckles. Even though she always had a radiant glow, she contemplated whether she looked professional enough for her first day.
The train continued its journey in the underground, screeching as it made tight turns on the worn-down rails. When the train momentarily straightened out, Emma got up from her seat and waited by the exit door as the ride continued in the dark abyss, several hundred feet below the converging streets of Pittsburgh. The brief moments of standing up before the train arrived at her desired station granted her the chance to adjust her misaligned navy tights, smooth out the hem of her purple tweed mini dress, make sure her pearl necklace laid flat on her chest, and button up her pea coat.
As she hooked the last button, the train momentarily escaped the tunnel’s darkness to be greeted by the open-air station: Gateway. With unyielding anticipation and nerves, Emma bounded off the train. She took the escalator up, skipping every other step in her nude heels as she got closer to touching the glass ceiling of the station.
Stepping out on the street level at the crisscrossing and triangular interactions of Stanwix Street, Library Ave, and Penn Ave, Emma took the biggest sigh of relief, at peace with herself in her city as the wind chill and slightly above-freezing temperatures gently kissed her cheeks to make them rosy. It was still early enough that the peak of the rush hour hadn’t bombarded the heart of downtown yet, with most people not aimlessly strolling out-and-about on this early February morning.
At the first indication that the coast was clear, Emma darted over to the other side of Stanwix Street, walking by the main entrance of the historic, upscale Fifth Avenue Place. Then, with a twinge of anxiety pulsing through her veins at what awaited her around the corner, she took a sharp right turn to walk along Penn Ave through the first few blocks of Pittsburgh’s Cultural District, with Fifth Avenue Place’s elegant shopping windows with gold trims still off to her right.
A little over a block away was the corner coffee shop, Rock ‘n’ Joe. She could already make him out clearly—a well-built man in his twenties in a charcoal suit with a slate green tie. Electrifying confidence was evident from his excellent posture with his head held high. The smile on his face reflected his contagious, positive personality and fresh taper-fade haircut.
Alan.
An alleyway was the only barrier keeping them apart. With a beaming smile, Alan shouted from across the street, “Hey, there, beautiful stranger!”
Emma broke into a half speed-walk, half jog. “It’s been a minute there, good-looking.”
Arms outstretched, the two seamlessly collided into a full embrace, with Alan slightly crushing Emma’s lungs in a subtle, cute way and lifting her off the ground in a half-circle twirl. Then, he gracefully returned Emma’s feet to the sidewalk and placed his hands on her shoulders before telling her, “Let’s not delay our meeting any longer! I’m also low-key freezing.”
“Serves you right for not wearing a proper jacket during a Pittsburgh winter,” Emma commented.
“A good cup of tea and your company will warm me back up.”
Alan opened the door of the coffee shop to let Emma in first. They were greeted by the aroma of freshly ground coffee beans and the smooth vibe of being at an evening jazz bar. After receiving their order of a café mocha with almond milk, a green tea with honey, and a chocolate chip muffin to split, they ascended the spiral staircase to the shop’s second floor. Being the only two upstairs, they got to pick the best seats in the house: the only table against the window facing Fifth Avenue Place, away from the hustle-and-bustle of customers ordering in addition to the opening-and-closing of the door that continually let in the frigid air.
Alan could hardly wait to start the conversation, as he always did. “Geez, Cantor, how long has it been since we last saw each other? Feels like eons ago.”
“It was on a Friday last September, the day that you headed back home to go on vacation with your family,” Emma replied, blushing at the slight embarrassment that her photographic, overly-detailed memory had that fact locked and loaded. She then unbuttoned her pea coat and wrapped it around her chair as Alan continued.
“Dang, is that how long?” It sure felt strange going from seeing and talking to you every week for a year and a half and then nothing for months.”
Meeting Alan’s gaze as she took her seat, Emma saw the deep yet blunt expression on his face that this meeting, the long-awaited anticipation of it finally coming to fruition, had been on his mind for quite some time as well.
“It was for me, too,” Emma added, “especially after all we’ve been through together.”
“I agree, and I’ve missed it dearly.” The honesty and genuine kindness that poured from Alan’s words flicked the sensitive switch in Emma’s body to immediately start shedding a tear.
Emma was reluctant to become too sappy in front of Alan to avoid having raccoon eyes from her mascara right before starting her new job. To distract herself from tearing up, she took a hard, fast sip of her steaming cup of mocha, burning the roof of her mouth in the process.
“You know I’m your number one supporter, right?” Alan leaned a bit closer, keeping a firm gaze on Emma as she intentionally avoided complete eye contact with him. “There’s never a day that goes by where I’m not incredibly grateful that we’re in each other’s lives. You’re someone I continually admire, no matter what happens or how much time passes.”
Everything that Alan stated resonated with Emma on a soul-defining level, yet the past lingered like a shadow, making her hesitate to share how she felt.
“Really, Alan? Because it certainly hasn’t felt that way, at least not as of late. You of all people should know that things have changed; they aren’t the same anymore, for either of us.”
“That’s why I wanted to see you.” Alan took a deep sigh, pausing for a brief moment to take a sip of tea before continuing, “because I need you to know that I’m still here for you despite the past.”
Holding back tears, he reached for Emma’s hand across the table and clasped it gently. His hand was shaking, yet his touch was a comforting warmth she hadn’t felt in some time.
With his gaze locked on Emma, Alan exclaimed, “I want our friendship to grow, have your passions become manifested, and see where light, love, and life take you. This is only the beginning for you, Emma!”
At the firm tone of his voice and the sound of tears filling his throat, Emma knew Alan wasn’t messing around. At this moment, along the space-time continuum, she was looking forward to this interaction with Alan yet dreading it simultaneously. She wanted to finally know why, after months apart with shattered emotions, he wanted to meet at the very place they met almost two years ago. It was an unsolved mystery to her.
It’s only the beginning, huh? Emma mulled over Alan’s words.
It certainly didn’t feel like the beginning for her. Fighting the urge to ignite a chain reaction of emotions, Emma forced her glance down and out the window beside her. One floor below them, the foot traffic of passengers steadily picked up. Her chest tightened, and her hands became clammy. She willed the uncontrollable shaking in her foot to stop, but it wouldn’t.
Still avoiding his gaze and trying to conjure the right words, she raised her head at an awkward angle to see all thirty-one floors of Fifth Avenue Place; its glowing electric blue prism pierced the ominous, overcast sky. Suddenly, Emma’s mind momentarily went elsewhere, the pain of several memories manifesting into their former power.
This excerpt is published here courtesy of the author and should not be reprinted without permission.
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